Turning Tears into Laughter: Creative Discipline for the Toddler and Preschool Years
‘Creative Discipline’ Books is a bag of useful tools for those trying moments that naturally occur with all young children. These techniques can transform challenging moments; whilst parent and child remain connected together. There is still a desired behaviour that is achieved or a negative behavior that is stopped, but how you find your way there is a matter of ‘creative’ choice. There are many pathways in disciplining; I am choosing the one that empowers both parent and child, is fun, understanding and loving (well most of the time anyway!).
When toddlers display inappropriate behaviours, the first response – rather than pointing a finger – can be to ponder the question ‘Why?’ Behaviours are a means of communicating. Are they tired or hungry? Do they need their pace slowed down and special time with you? Too much excitement can lead to undesirable behaviour. Are children in fact being creative and inquisitive, and their loudness or messiness is not purposely disruptive? If behaviours tend to repeat themselves, keep a daily diary of when events happen. Asking ‘Why?’ allows you insight and compassion into your child’s life. It stops the parent from reacting harshly, giving time to respond in a compassionate way. The question ‘Why?’ a wonderful question to ask!
After asking ‘why’, the following Creative Discipline tools can be tried: change the environment, re-direct, praise, give a choice, say ‘no’ in a different way, be a positive role-model, and, if all else fails, the quiet removal.
Changing the environment, not the child can develop a sense of increased fun, understanding and compassion. The following scenario is one example where changing the environment can change the young child’s challenging behaviour.
Scenario: your child does not want to go to bed.
Change the environment by making sure they are not overly stimulated by TV or games at bed/bath time
Introduce a lovely rhythm which is fun and special, a piggy back ride to the bathroom, a funny game where each tooth speaks and says his favourite part of the day
Bathwith your child by candle light!
Sing a lullaby
Stroke your child’s head and say kind words
Say goodnight to three things in the room, let your child choose which toys
Make sure you are connected with your child at these sacred times and be consistent with a fun and loving bed time rhythm.
Scenario: a child does not want to get into the car seat.
Assess how much time is spent in the car. Plan at least one or two home days a week
Have a special tub of treats (healthy of course) that can be offered for car journeys
Change the environment in the car: hang a new mobile, buy some special car pockets to place favourite toys and hard covered books inside
Let the child play putting teddy or dolly in the car to share the car journey together
Play simple car games: sing a song, tell a story, and spot coloured cars out of the window
Listen for the seat belt to say, ‘çlick’. It is now time to blow a few bubbles for the toddler to catch, before starting the engine.
Keep a diary of difficult times and then brainstorm how you could creatively change the environment for a positive, connected outcome.
Children’s spontaneity and ability to be in the moment allows for the art of re-direction. Isolate the action a child is displaying and re-direct it into a safe and positive play idea.
Scenario: a young child is throwing wooden blocks inside; they do look great flying through the air!
Place a basket near by, “You throw a ball, not blocks or toys, let us throw the ball together. Throw the ball into the basket, goal! Balls are for throwing, well done!”
Re-direct to a whole new activity, when continual trying moments occur. Re-direction can also quickly change a child’s mood.
Scenario: children are arguing over a toy, whilst on a play date
“Who would like to come and help to make popcorn for morning tea, let us watch it pop?”
“Let’s go into the garden now and play in the sandpit”.
Scenario: a child is crying because you have taken something away.
“Look at that bird in the tree; it sounds like it is calling your name, Listen, Roger, Roger!”
All too often parents fall into the trap of reacting to an inappropriate behaviour by saying – often in a raised voice – “Don’t do……… or No………. or Stop it!” With this type of sentence, the child hears what to not do, but with no real guidance of an appropriate way of behaving. Each time your child displays a negative behaviour is an opportunity to teach your child how to live in this world. The most commonly used method reinforces the negative verb: do not hit; stop crying. Instead empathise the positive verb; be gentle; calm down. Try to stop yourself from giving a negative response but state instead what you expect the child to do. This correct behaviour can then be role-modeled together.
Scenario: a child is pulling a cat’s tail.
“We stroke a pussy cat like this” (demonstrate). “Let us do it together” (place the child’s hand on the cat and stroke together). “He loves to be treated kindly and softly, this is the way to stroke a cat. Great, you are doing such a good job, being gentle. He loves that, well done!”
Scenario: a young child is hitting a playmate to get a toy.
Say ‘hands down’ in a firm manner, re-directing the child to keep his hands to himself.
Re-direct the child to use words to ask for a turn, or to say, ‘Stop! I do not like that’. Find a similar toy to play with. Re-direct the child to help you get a timer to play a turn taking game when the bell pings! Model an apology and demonstrate ‘gentleness’ with friends.
Explain gentleness throughout the week with toys and chat about what makes a good friend. ‘Sam does not like to be hit, it makes him sad’ (explaining simple emotions). Praise positive behavior.
At the first parenting class I attended the teacher spoke of the wisdom of not using the word “No”. She hastened to add that this does not mean that your children get everything they would like. It is a matter of word use! Can you step into your children’s shoes: throughout the day your children may ask for many things, how does a barrage of “No’s” sound, a rebellion may be in order!
Scenario: a child asks to have an ice-cream (it is breakfast time)
What a wonderful idea, let us squeeze orange juice to make icy poles for a lovely treat for morning tea.
With food requests, try to offer a similar healthy alternative. With activity requests, state when it can happen or find another interesting appropriate choice.
Scenario: for more difficult questions like “Can I have a puppy?”, or “Can I have a toy?”
Maybe for Christmas (children have usually forgotten by then or have asked for another ten things).
I have always found “We’ll see” is a great answer for difficult questions.
To play games requires you both to connect together and have fun. This trick is very ‘child-friendly’. Games can be a magic wand to achieving tasks with your child.
Scenario: children who refuse to put on their socks or PJ’s on.
“I am ‘Sandy Sock’ and I love to eat toes, I eat them all the way up, look at that, all the way up to the ankle!”
”Can you put your pajamas on by the time I make a cup of tea, race you, ready steady go!”
To feel relaxed in stressful moments, from time to time, just try a tickle. Most children cannot resist having a giggle. So when children stamp their feet and say ‘No’, say ‘I am going to tickle you’. Lightheartedness can be a very successful tool.
Isolate one or two positive behaviours that you would like your child to achieve. Every time you see the appropriate behaviour verbally praise it. At bedtime, as you are having a cuddle, say “I was really pleased with the way you played with Sally today”.
Children love to have roles to take on, items to carry, and things to look after. A kindergarten assistant once told me this story:
It is a hardware shop at the weekend, in one aisle there are two boys of similar ages with their dads. Both are out shopping, one boy is miserable and one boy is happy. The difference is that one boy is included. The outing has been made special by involving the young boy as much as possible. He is pushing a little barrow, chatting to his dad and following directions to find special items. The other boy is tagging along behind as his dad is growling “hurry up!”
The message here is to involve your child: a little creativity goes along way. You will be rewarded with a happier child.
A choice between two selected items can help a child comply. This allows children their own power, but the two choices are controlled by the parents. A very helpful tool when dressing and for snack time!
Scenario: a child is asking for an inappropriate snack item whilst shopping.
Offer a different choice of two items. If the child still asks for the first unhealthy snack repeat the choice of two. If he or she continues to refuse state the two choices or nothing at all!
Scenario: a child does not want to put a dressing gown on in winter time.
Offer a choice of the dressing gown or a jumper (even a dress up option; cape, cloak, poncho or ‘armour’).
If after re-direction, changing the environment, or playing a game the young child is still displaying the inappropriate behaviour, quietly remove the child or toy from the situation. “You need to stay with me until I know John is safe, no hitting, everyone needs to feel safe”. This is a ‘quiet removal’; quietly take the toy or child away from the situation, stating the positive way to behave. If the child begs to go back then allow for another chance. Otherwise re-direct to a new activity, after a while of staying within your care.
It is paradoxical to see a parent shout “No shouting!” or hit as a response to a child’s rough behaviour. Children made to sit isolated in corners, often put up a protective wall. If shut in a closed room, their screams, at times, can be primal. It is extremely difficult to always stay calm (I know) but if you talk reasonably, teach positively, and lovingly guide, these tendencies will become life communication skills for your children too. It is a wonderful experience, after years of role-modeling, to see your children treat each other with respect and hear your positive manner within them. Children, brought up with creative discipline techniques will know how to communicate and treat others in life. This is a powerful insight.
Remember that no child or parent is perfect, and neither should they be as it is our mistakes that help us to learn and grow. Parenting can be like a dance: two steps forward and one step back. Try to be conscious of how things worked out during and after each incident with your child. How your heart really feels in each moment. Each night, before going to sleep, run through your day with your child in your own mind. Understand where you could have parented more positively to change inappropriate behaviours and make plans to act differently tomorrow and all the days after…
To by Lou’s book Turning Tears into Laughter: Creatiebv Discipline for the Toddler and Preschool Years Click Books for details.
